Well, I've had a few people check in over the last couple of days to see how I'm doing, so I know it's time to send an update. (Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the checking in!)
The 10/7 treatment's tentacles seem to be longer than those of other treatments because usually by the Wednesday after (8 days), I go out and do some little thing - therapy or a quick trip to the store, something, but I'm still feeling crummy. Just so freaking tired and weak. I've been told over and over that the treatments are cumulative and particularly the fatigue is, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised, but man, I just feel beat beat beat down. I'm getting up and around enough to stay caught up on work, but that's pretty much the extent of it. Get out of bed. Work. Rest. Work. Rest. Go back to bed. It sucks, but I am hoping for a turnaround in the next couple of days. (And it is actually a relief to have some work to be responsible for - makes me feel not totally useless.)
With all of this resting, I've been watching a bunch of TV shows and movies, and characters with cancer just keep popping up. The other day, I watched no fewer than 7 different movie trailers before deciding on one that looked good. What was not in the trailer? Main plot line - cancer. The next day, watched another one and guess what? Cancer. The '90's family drama I didn't watch in the '90's, but am now totally sucked into - a whole season about cancer. Is this random?? Ugh. I don't know, but I watch them anyway. Earlier today, I actually found myself nodding and saying, "Totally," under my breath while watching one of the characters deal. Not sure what the use of all that info is to you... I feel crappy and am watching a lot of TV and thinking a lot about cancer. No big surprises there, I guess.
I said a while back that I'd tell it like it is, so...
I have a CT scan scheduled for a little more than two weeks from now. It is freaking me out. Everything about it. What it will be like the day of, whether everything will go ok. The 4 days I'll have to wait to hear what the scan shows. What if the scan says I'm ok for now? How do I figure out how to live like a normal human again? How can I take care of myself better so I might not have a recurrence or another cancer? What if the scan shows something bad and there is another snowball to ride down the hill? Scary stuff no matter what.
Before my last treatment, someone sent me this text: "The most important thing I can say is to have no fear through this situation. One thing is common to those who were healed: they believed first that they would be healed" (biblical context). Positive thinking, faith, the Secret. I think those things are important. Then, there are all the loved ones who have told me, over the last few months, about dreams or strokes of certainty they've had - visions of me with hair and smiling, with a partner, with a child. Multiple people, independently. And they're all so sure it's real and I *believe* them. And the newest one came last night to someone who I've grown to think of as something of a seer - me swinging on a trapeze and finding the faith to let go of what's behind me and grab onto the next bar. The understanding being that the cancer is behind me now and it's time to reach forward and grab my new life. Can you see what I mean? It's all scary, the good stuff and the bad.
I confessed recently to one of my closest confidantes that I'm afraid this disease has stolen some of my boldness. Those of you who've known me a while know that I've worked really hard for the last few years to shake off fear and be more bold - carefully cultivating in myself the kind of person who looks at the next trapeze bar and thinks, "Holy shit, that bar looks far away and I'm not sure if my hands are chalked up right, but here goes!" This whole cancer thing has set me back, but I really want to get there again.
That's all off in the distance, though, I suppose. This weekend there are things I want to do. Wonderful people I want to see getting married. A concert I've been holding out hope for months that I'll be able to attend. It's only Wednesday and things can shift quickly, so here's hoping I'll see some of you out in the world very soon. And maybe we can laugh some.
Thanks, more than I can ever say, for your continued thoughts and prayers and all kinds of other good stuff.
Love and more love,